I wanna talk about me

While I'm searching for the words to describe my perfect little boy, allow me, if you will, a moment for some self absorption.


I miss alcohol.
Yep. You heard me. I miss it.
Now, don't go overreacting, dear reader. I'm no alcoholic. I don't need to drink. It just tastes so darn good sometimes! And I miss feeling like a grown up. I miss sharing a bottle of wine (or two) with my girlfriends. I miss date nights with  my hubby that involve some wonderfully overpriced cocktails. I'm tired of, "Soda water with lime, please."
While I was pregnant, THE biggest craving I had - maybe the only craving, really - was beer. God, I wanted beer SO badly. It was such a hot summer, and I was so huge and tired. And hot! But I already said that. Nothing sounded better than cracking open a cold beer. And let me just say! If anyone in the world deserves a cold beer on a hot summer afternoon, it's a pregnant woman. Pregnancy is such hard work! Not to mention, we walk around at about ten degrees warmer than everyone around us. It's one of the great injustices of the world: getting saddled with the heaviest loads you'll ever carry, but unable to even consider 'taking a load off' at the end of a hot day.
Of course, I write this in jest. Sort of. The baby is, without question, worth a dry summer. But that didn't keep me from being jealous of my husband's cold brew.
Right after Drake was born, the craving made an instant shift from beer - which, I've been told, is even helpful to breast feeding women - to wine. I even had my Dad bring a growler of one of my favorite dark, malty, locally brewed porters to the birthing suite because I thought I wanted it so badly. I took one sip and pushed it away. Nope. Now I want wine.
So I'm excited to try something like this wine club idea. Thirty bucks a month is a totally manageable budgetary addition, and it will give me the occasional reason to feel like a big girl; an adult; a woman; a wife - and not just a mom. (Which is, of course, the best part - I just want the other parts, too. I want it all, dear readers.) Plus, I'll get to try a bunch of yummy new wines I probably couldn't find in tiny Helena, Montana.
Beyond that, I think I'll plan something fun for my birthday, which is coming up in March. I'll make sure I have plenty of breast milk stored up, find myself a baby sitter, and throw myself a party. A Put-On-Your-Cocktail-Dress, Pop-Open-the-Bubbly kinda party. Who's in??

Describing the indescribable

There has never been anything bigger that has happened to me; never anything more important than the birth of my son. I should be gushing with words of love and amazement, but for some reason, I can't seem to.
I feel them - the love and amazement. Believe me, I do. But I can't think them. I can't assign them words, organize them into thoughts.
I started this blog for two reasons: 1- to practice this thing I love to do: write. And 2- to record the magic of my pregnancy and the birth of my first child. To put words to the moments that leave you speechless. Because that's what this journey into parenthood is: a series of brand new experiences that knock the wind out of you over and over again. Its impossibly overwhelming.
But for a while there, I was doing pretty well with both objectives. I found ways to tell you about the amazing - or sometimes, not so amazing - things that were happening to me. I captured the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant and when I first heard his heart beat.
But then something happened. I'm not sure exactly when, but at some point this experience grew beyond my grasp. The moments and the emotions stretched beyond my ability to relate to you.
They were officially indescribable.
So here I am, left wanting to tell you about the way my incredible little boy has changed my life, about how much I love every square inch of him, but there literally aren't words.
All that I have are overused, insufficient phrases:
Nothing will ever be the same.
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I love him more than anything else in this world.
I would do anything for him.

All true. And yet there's so, so much more than that.
I'll keep looking for the words - and I'll let you know when I find them.

The view when he falls asleep on my chest

Another thing I never want to forget.

The Way He Sounds

It's just one of the million little details I am fighting like hell to log away somewhere very safe. He is so absolutely perfect. Right now. And tomorrow he will be different, but perfect all over again. I just want to remember every single step. Every new kind of perfect. Is that too much to ask?


This is the way he sounds when he's sleeping. It's a particular kind of sweetness. (You will most likely have to turn up the sound on your computer - it's pretty quiet.)


Good old baby sounds. Baby boys sounds. Lots of grunting, a little cooing.

My sunshine

Drake and I have taken to listening to the Pandora lullaby station at night. You Are My Sunshine gets a lot of plays. I've heard it a million times - it was my nieces favorite song for a long time - but it hits me a little differently now because of these words:

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."

Somewhere around seven months pregnant I had the most vivid dream about my son. We were laying in my bed, cuddling. That's it. So simple. He was here, and I was holding him. When I woke up to realize it was only a dream, I was truly and deeply sad. It would still be weeks before that would be true.
Now that he's here, my life couldn't be sweeter. Cuddling with my little man is a reality of every day and my heart is so full. "Please don't take my sunshine away."

Bath time!

Drake wasn't so sure if he liked baths at first, but today he decided to relax and enjoy himself, giving us a good chance to snap a few of the mandatory Naked In The Bath pictures. :)

I can't get enough of this baby! Look at those eyes!

Baby boys will be baby boys. :)

All clean!

He's growing so fast!

Seriously. Right in front of my eyes. We will fall asleep for a few hours at night and then when he wakes up to nurse I could swear he's heavier than he was when we fell asleep. He'll be five weeks old tomorrow and already I've lamented the loss of my tiny baby several times over. Isn't that too soon?
We went to Bozeman today for a check up with our midwife. Already Drake has grown one and three quarter inches and gained three pounds and eleven ounces! He weighed in at 11 lbs 3 1/2 oz. Crazy.
He's fitting very comfortably into three month outfits. My plan for tomorrow is to pack up the newborn clothes. Already! My handsome little man is no longer a newborn. :(
So, I'm sorry I haven't been posting more often but I can't take my eyes off him!
I'll miss so much if I do.