A Must Share

I'm breaking the months of radio silence today because this little man of mine has been so incredibly cute, I find it physically impossible not to write about it. I considered a longer-than-average status update on Facebook with the attached adorable photo, and though that would bring the attention that is due to the cuteness that is my son, it would eventually be lost to the mysterious streams of the Facebook Timeline. I wanted something more permanent than that. A record for later reference. Funny. That's kind of why I started this blog in the first place... Anyway! The cuteness:

I'm on vacation this week. It's our 5th Anniversary this Friday, and my husband and I both took most of the week off work in order to spend some good family time together before the insanity that is the school year. Tonight, however, was one of the two nights that my husband had to work, so it was just Drake and I at home. I had intended on making this creamy avocado pasta, but when I started to prep for dinner, I realized my avocados were not yet ripe. Instead of trying to figure out what else to do, I easily convinced myself that ordering takeout from the pub style bar and restaurant where I work and renting a movie was the best, most "vacation worthy" idea. I had been wanting a pulled pork sandwich anyway. I phoned in our order, loaded Drake into the car, and headed to the movie store with visions of some good Mommy/Drake cuddles and a kid appropriate movie that would not drive me insane for having seen it a million times. My plans were almost foiled, as Drake tried to pick out one of the millions of editions of Tom and Jerry, which already plays in some form, on repeat, 24/7 around this house. Nothing against the classics, but Dear God. No more! Thankfully, I was able to convince him to choose from one of the three titles I had selected, and we left the store with Epic.

Have you seen it? It's pretty dang cute. I actually laughed out loud a couple of times. A hit with Mom and Drake alike. *Tiny Spoiler Alert: towards the end, a new Queen is crowned. One at a time, all of her new subjects quietly and reverently bow to her. And this is the part of my story that matters: my son, aged two and a half, turned on his knees to face me on the couch, placed his hand on his chest, closed his eyes, and slowly bowed his head. And then - clincher - he slowly lifted his eyes back to mine, and then wrapped me in a big hug.

That is a TRUE. STORY.

I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it myself. It sounds way too scripted and perfectly adorable but It. Happened. I died a little inside. All I could say was, "That's right, buddy!" giggle, and hug him as tight as he would allow. It was one of the sweetest little windows into his mind and heart. I think I'll treasure that one for a long time.

The picture is from bath time right after the movie tonight, during which he was pretty hilarious, but I think I'll save that story for another time. Who knows? Maybe I'll start writing again...

these are the moments...

Our poor, sweet boy woke up sad this morning. He's been teething again, and I think the discomfort woke him up before he was actually ready to be done sleeping. Sleepy and sad, he needed some cuddles. I was, of course, happy to oblige. I scooped him up with his blanket and his Lovey and joined Daddy on the couch. Daddy wrapped his arm around us both and said, "Good morning, family."
There it was, Emily. The moment to hold on to. Moments that will be gone before I know it. Moments with a sweet, chubby little boy in a diaper. Moments in the quiet morning with just Mommy and Daddy and Drake. Moments when life feels complete and perfect.
Five minutes later, his diaper rode up without me realizing and he peed all over me and the couch.

Ahem...

So, uh..... this is just the teensiest bit late... And by teensy, I mean 8 months. Ahem. Yeah....
I really have been wanting to post these pictures of Drake's 1st birthday since, well, Drake's 1st birthday. And he may or may not be 20 months old already. :} But life gets in the way and priorities get mixed up and excuses get made.... blahdy blah blah.
But here they are now, still as cute as ever. Except for the fact that now they almost make me have a panic attack because, you guys, my baby is SO much bigger than this now! How can this be just 8 months ago?! Parenthood is insanity. High paced insanity.
Speaking of which, his 1st Birthday was an airplane theme. We chose planes because his daddy is going to school to be a pilot, so it's a major part of our life, and because his first year flew by. And now here we are closer to 2 than 1 already... I'm not gonna cry...

The Birthday Boy...

 ...with his beautiful Nana Amy...

...and his cousin Ashton.

                                                                 We set up a photo corner...

 ...and I think the adults had more fun than anyone else...

 .... as evidenced by my Mom and her wonderfully silly fiance, Kyle. :)

Papa Rick and the two youngest.

 The party table...

 ... and our fleet of party favors.

 My [second attempt at my] first birthday cake...

 I was pretty proud of how it turned out (despite the misspelling).

 We were so grateful to have so many wonderful friends and neighbors come celebrate with us.

 Cake time!!

 As you can see, the birthday outfit did not survive the cake...

 The bigger kids played Pin the Propeller on the Plane...

there are a lot of giggles when you accidentally walk towards the wrong wall... :)

 ... and then it was present time!

 Do you see the wonderful rocking horse Kyle made him? I may or may not have accidentally broken it later that night... :S But don't worry, it's ok now! Kyle fixed it.

 It makes my heart so happy to remember how much my Little Man is loved.

Drake and his beautiful Auntie B.

Nana Cindy's necklace is soooo pretty!

Drake and Best Friend Jaime.

 Thank you to all our wonderful friends and family who made my boy's 1st Birthday such a special day. Ready to do it again in 4 months...? Oh geez, I think I'm gonna be sick....

(ps - now I know why I put this off for so long! That just took me nearly 8 hours across 2 days to edit and format all those pictures! Phew!)

The counter balance

This is my own response to myself in my last post.

Waking up to this face every day - to his smile and his bright eyes and his hugs and his giggles and his kisses and his Drakeness - is the sweetest way I can imagine starting a day. My heart is big and I'm starting this day feeling grateful and bright.

The great, and the not-so-great

I struggle.

I struggle with my promise to be real with you guys, and my fear of being a whiner. I know my life is good. It's blessed - so blessed. And I'm so, so grateful. But it's also hard. Being a stay-at-home Mom is hard. And I get tired of it sometimes. We didn't go to church today because I am tired of the solo Mom gig. I am tired of driving the 40 minutes each way to show up alone with a baby who has missed his morning nap because it falls at exactly the same time as church. And I want to complain. My husband is never here. He works all the time and when he's not at work, he's at school. And when he's not at school, he's flying. And I miss him. And I want to beg him to find a different job so that we can have Sundays as a family and go to church together. But then I remember that he is tired, too. And it's hard on him, too. And that these sacrifices are just for a season and it's a way of investing in our family's future and creating the kind of life we want in the long run.
*sigh*
And then I remember my sister, whose husband works in the oil fields eight hours away from her for 6 weeks at a time. She stays home alone with three girls. She packs them all up every Sunday and always makes it to church. And, oh yeah, she's pregnant with number four.
And I remember my best friend who really is doing the single mom gig. She has three girls and she runs her own business.
I really can't complain. My life is beautiful. But sometimes.....
Sometimes I want to cry. I want to cry when I feel so, so tired and the baby wakes up in the middle of the night and I have to drag my butt out of bed and sometimes I get angry that my husband doesn't even hear the baby and never, ever gets up with him.
But then I remember. He did get up with him the entire bad week. And he drags his own butt out of bed four days a week at 4:30 in the morning to go to work and provide for us.
Ugh. And then I feel like a selfish brat.
So you can see my struggle. I don't want to be a liar, but I don't want to be a whiner.
I don't want to get on this blog every week (how I wish I could say every day, but let's face it - I'm not even close to that regular) and tell you other mothers out there that my life is soooo perfect. That I skip around all day and pick daisies and sing songs. I mean, we do some of that, but it's not all that. Not even close. But I don't want you to think that I don't see it either. That I don't see that, truly, I have it good. That I have been blessed and should be grateful for what I have. Because so many people have it so much harder. I know these things, and I'm going to try my darndest to remember them when writing here.

I love you all for listening to my rambling.

Unexpected gifts

Two little things have begun to happen that have done my heart a lot of good.

#1 - Drake decided to stop fighting me. Well, at least where diaper changes are concerned. For the past three or four days, instead of writhing and squirming and fussing while I change him, he has laid there nicely and smiled up at me like he used to do when he was just a few months old. He even kicked his legs and flailed his arms a bit like a newborn would do. I think he knew I needed him to be my baby for just a little while longer (the walking thing is really blowing my mind).

#2: When I'm giving Drake his bottle before a bed or a nap, we rock in the rocking chair. It's soothing for both of us; I kiss his forehead or brush his hair out of his eyes and he lays there with his lovey, rubbing it and zoning out. But a couple of times now, he has let go of his precious, soft, comforting lovey with one hand - and reached for mine. Be still my beating heart. My son wants to hold my hand. Holy cow, does that make me a happy momma.

Good news!

My son must have heard my cry.

I put him in his bed this morning at 6 am after the usual night of 'up every two,' determined to get another hour or two of sleep. I later found myself waking up lazily - dreamily, even - to sunshine peaking through the curtains and.... silence. No screaming boy.
And then I heard it. The sounds of play. Drake was talking to himself and playing in his bed. I have no idea how long he had been awake but, miraculously, he didn't need me this morning. I checked the time. 10:04 TEN O'CLOCK PEOPLE!! That means I got four hours of continuous sleep this morning! It's not the 'sleep through the night' rest I've been dreaming of, but I'll take it!
Who wants to do a happy dance with me?
This morning, this momma is feeling like she will survive.

Birthday Day

{Alternately titled: Marriage Update: My Husband is Amazing}

My birthday isn't actually  until this Saturday - I'll be 26 - but we celebrated yesterday because the Hubs works weekends. Justin made an all day event out of it. He brought me some pre-breakfast yogurt in bed (cuz I was starving) and then brought me my first present: a gorgeous pair of brown leather boots. (The hunt for the right pair of boots has been a long-standing one - my poor Hubby has tried several times to get me the right ones, only to be foiled by my wide feet or my big calves or my distaste for synthetic materials. Sadly, yesterday's gift was another strike - big calves - but they really were gorgeous. He did a great job picking them out.)  For a full breakfast, he took me to the No Sweat. Mmmmm, the No Sweat. If you live in Helena (or within a reasonable drive, even) and you haven't had breakfast at the No Sweat, I'm slightly concerned about your mental health. Because you're crazy. It's delicious. It was the perfect start to my birthday celebration. We sat in one of the worn, wooden booths next to the glorious heater, ate big piles of freshly shredded hash browns and thick cut ham and melty, gooey cheese and sipped coffee and talked and laughed and sang along with the Motown tracks that were playing in the background.Yes.

From there, we loaded Drake into the backpack carrier and walked down the street to Sole Sisters to return my gorgeous boots. I tried on another size, but nothing worked. They were either too tight in the calves or too big in the feet. Poor Justin: he was seriously bummed. But it wasn't all bad! I strolled around the store, stroking and admiring the gorgeous selections of girly dresses and flowy tops and shoes that could be on display in an art museum more readily than worn on your feet. I found a soft blush dress with tiny grey polka dots that made me feel pretty.

From there, we took Justin to the chiropractor, then on to lunch at The Red Atlas, complete with an It's-My-Birthday-Beer.

And then! The highlight of my month: a 75 minute massage from Amy at Lazy Owl Massage. Glory. Completely relaxed on a massage table with a heating pad, sublime smells of massage oils and lotions, the [recorded] sounds of the ocean. In a word: heaven.

After that luxurious experience, Justin took me home for a lazy afternoon of lounging in bed with my two favorite men in the world, watching Midnight in Paris, and flipping through pictures of beautiful homes online - day dreaming about the kind of house we'll have one day.

My beautiful mother picked up Drake around 6 p.m. and I was free to get ready without distraction or time constraint. A hot shower (shaved legs!), blow dried and styled hair, full makeup - all in preparation for the culmination of my wonderful day: date night with my handsome husband.

He took me to the Mediterranean Grill and we stuffed ourselves with fresh and yummy food like lamb brochettes, caprese salad, swordfish with basmati rice and seasoned veggies, kunefe for dessert - all accompanied by a fabulous bottle of Earthquake Zin from my old hometown (Lodi, CA). We enjoyed the hell out of the food and the wine and each other's company. We talked about all the adventures we still want to have someday. We got sentimental and made toasts to each other. We promised to never let it get old.

Towards the end of the evening, we saw our good friends Jesse and Porter walk by and invited them in to finish our bottle of wine with us, then joined them a few doors down for a proper cocktail at Miller's Crossing. I blew $15 in the slot machines hoping I could get lucky on my birthday, we laughed at me and how easily I get tipsy these days, and then I started missing little mister. We picked him up and were home in bed before midnight.

The day was better than perfect. I am so grateful to be married to a man who will go to such lengths to make me feel so incredibly special. As much as life may change, as many children as we may have, as busy as it all may get, I hope we never stop doing this -taking a day to celebrate each other - because that's where it all began.

My sunshine

Drake and I have taken to listening to the Pandora lullaby station at night. You Are My Sunshine gets a lot of plays. I've heard it a million times - it was my nieces favorite song for a long time - but it hits me a little differently now because of these words:

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."

Somewhere around seven months pregnant I had the most vivid dream about my son. We were laying in my bed, cuddling. That's it. So simple. He was here, and I was holding him. When I woke up to realize it was only a dream, I was truly and deeply sad. It would still be weeks before that would be true.
Now that he's here, my life couldn't be sweeter. Cuddling with my little man is a reality of every day and my heart is so full. "Please don't take my sunshine away."

I have to take a moment to express my gratitude

I intended to write a different post this morning. I intended to write something light and funny. But now I can't. I've just read the most heart wrenching post from a woman who has been through so much in the past couple of months. I won't attempt to tell her story for her - her own telling is so real and raw and beautiful - but she is on my mind and heart in a big way this morning. Alicia Stucky, I am praying for you.
It has left me feeling so supremely grateful and so, so lucky. My husband is sitting here next to me reading The Jungle and enjoying a cup of coffee, like we do most every morning. My son is tumbling around in my belly, perfectly happy and healthy so far. My pregnancy is going smoothly. No major upsets. No traumas. Thank God. But how easily it could be going the other way.
So I just have to take a moment to say, "Thank you, Lord. I don't know why I deserve to have it so good right now, but I promise you I won't take it for granted. Every moment I remember how blessed I am to have this amazing man as my partner and friend. Every day I will cherish the life growing inside of me. And every day I will praise you for all of it."

Feeling grateful

Justin finally got to feel the baby kick last night. So far, every time he lays his hand on my tummy, the baby freezes. Or falls asleep. I’m not sure which. Justin says he feels ok about it – it’s probably a good thing for him to have a calming effect over our kids. But I have felt like I’m experiencing these tiny little miracles every day and with every bump and there is no one in the world I’d rather share it with. I felt supremely grateful last night when baby kicked its daddy good and hard. It’s inside of me, but it is part of Justin. And now he has experienced it too. I loved seeing the smile I've been wearing for weeks finally sweep over his face.

This morning he picked up his guitar for the first time in months. Over the past four years, I have loved listening to him play. His first Christmas gift to me was the lyrics to a song he wrote, pasted inside of a scrapbook intended to hold our future holiday memories. He proposed the next Christmas with a second song. The funny thing is, I have never liked those guys who play music to impress girls. Please don’t serenade me, you cheese ball. But one of the most endearing things about my husband is his humility and sincerity. There is not an ounce of cocky in him. And now this morning, he is quietly practicing next to me on the couch and I can just imagine him leading a sing-a-long with our kids and teaching them how to play.

How did I get so lucky to have this man?