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Saturday, March 17, 2012

One year



Approximately one year ago, something happened silently inside me that would change my world forever. I didn't know it when it happened. I didn't plan it. But I am so, so grateful for it.

One year ago, I was immersed in my second semester as an English Major at Carroll College. I stressed and obsessed and fussed over writing assignments. I typed furiously on my laptop - late into the night - in my favorite corner of campus or some all-night diner. I was trying to figure out Who I Was; What I Sounded Like. I was worried about finals. I was dreaming of becoming a successful, well-paid writer.

These days, my writing assignments are self-assigned. I try to challenge myself here on this blog. I try desperately to remember, and to practice, the knowledge I soaked up in that one year. I’m still trying to find My Voice. I struggle to remember the “What?” and the “So-What?” of each post I write. Why am I writing it? Who am I writing it for? Myself? Drake? My readers? These days, I tend to write my blog posts from my couch, often with just one hand, with a sleeping baby in my lap.

 One year ago, I wasn't getting enough sleep. I sat up nights with a stack of papers and a highlighter. I went cross-eyed staring at my computer screen. I hardly ate. I was completely stressed.

These days, I still don’t get enough sleep, but my late night company is a baby boy who needs me. My eyes are tired and heavy, but they are greeted with gummy smiles and chunky thighs. These days, I eat whenever and whatever I want. I am completely content.

One year ago, I felt as though I was navigating heavy decisions, important tasks, and weighty subjects – the stuff that would affect my future, my well-being, my success, my happiness. I had to work my tail off to make sure I set myself up on the path I wanted (yes: I, I , I).

These days, the biggest decision has been made. My future is my child. My tasks are smaller, but the ripples reach so much further into the future. They go beyond my life time. My days consist of regular feedings and diaper changes, but each is performed with the heart-stretching knowledge that (God willing) this well fed, clean little boy will out-live me. Out-learn me. Out-do me in ways I can’t even imagine yet.

One year ago, I was stressing about the few pounds I put on in my freshman year.

These days, I’d pay good money to see that number on the scale again.

One year ago, my husband and I had a great sex life.

These days, well… there’s a baby in our bed. (Hey, it’s one of the major ways my life has changed. It seemed wrong to let it go unmentioned.)

One year ago, I had never changed a little boy’s diaper. I had never shopped for a breast pump. I had never worn a nursing bra. I had never made a baby blanket for my baby. I had never packed up the clothes he outgrew. I had never “worn” a baby during a workout. I had never spent a date with my husband wondering how my baby was doing. I had never met my son.

One year ago, I had no idea what a difference the next year was about to make.

4 comments :

  1. I love the way you write Emily! I always knew that chunky baby girl I loved so much would be an amazing woman, and mom!
    Every time I read your post it sends me reeling with memories of all my favorite babies! :)

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous! (Holly, is that you?)

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  2. Oh Em, this is beautiful. Once again, you have made me get all teary-eyed! Not only are you inspiring, but you also give me a glimpse into a world that is not overrun with "I's" (something that I regrettably admit is far from my current mindset). I know that every season of life comes with it's own obstacles, but I really enjoy your perspective and thoughts concerning your current adventure!

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  3. oh daughter, you so beautifully capture the essence of all that womanhood/mamahood brings. I am so lucky that you are my daughter and forever amazed that the amazing woman you are, came from me. and Drake is such a lucky boy to have a mama like you. one day he'll know it. i love you.

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